No one has torn me apart like this. She wants to 'salvage' us, but how long? How long will it take for her to put her life back together in a way she thinks is acceptable? How long does she expect me to wait for her?

Because I will, sobbing nightly, but waiting for that one moment when I get that message. That one I love you, that one apology. That one.. something.

Just because in the waiting, I'm still with her, just a little bit longer. Even if it rips me apart, she's still mine for a little while.

I can't just let go. I can't drop it all. But can I live like this? I honestly don't know.

She'll be the one to make the final call, in the end. I won't, I can't.

So, Jen:



"Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.."

I told myself I was done. If she didn't want to speak to me, it was fine. Over. But there are people that you love that get into your skin and curl up inside you and you can't get rid of them like that.


I wish I could prove I love you.. But does that mean I have to walk on water?

I was right. I knew it. She'd rip my heart out and spit on the remains. But hey, it was my fault, wasn't it? I left it open. I gave her the vantage.

I didn't pull away. I rationalized.

But that doesn't stop the hurt.

Why do I even fucking bother anymore?

Isn't nice when people make accounts just to flame you? So mature, really. Sure feels good to know you're worth enough for someone to go to such lengths.

Anyway. Enroute out. Lost a guildmate to a drunk driver, and my adopted brother apparently got into an accident himself.

Not that I can do anything for him. I don't even know where his daughter is.

Incisions are infected and gross. No amount of cleaning has kept it from happening. Weeee.



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Surgery day.

And I'll be all alone. Oh god, oh god, oh god.

So Saturday morning, I wake up at 5AM in the most excruciating pain of my life. Literally. I flee for the restroom and vomit until nothing's coming out of me but stomach acid. For hours. I finally stop writhing in agony long enough to stagger up to my roommate and go: "Hospital. NOW."

Jessi, being who she is, immediately takes this as "I have time to finish two more levels in my game!"

But upon hearing me up-heaving my stomach contents again, finally comes down and puts on a shirt.. And promptly abandons me at the hospital without any way to contact her.


Well, I spend an hour curled up in a hospital bed, whimpering and trying not to spew along the walls. Finally, the nurse sets me up with an IV and then some amazing painkillers. I mean, she hadn't even finished the syringe into the IV and my vision went all fuzzy and my body felt light.

They give me another 'nomorepuking' shot through the IV, and I'm out cold. While I'm mostly unconscious, they do a CATscan and Ultra-sound.

Apparently, what I thought was just back-pain was a set of giant Gallstones.

So, Monday I get to call and set-up my surgery.

Fun stuff, huh? Hit by a car and having my gallbladder removed in the same six-month period.


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