twisting me a r o u n d

Shakedown.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 10:29:58 GMT

No one has torn me apart like this. She wants to 'salvage' us, but how long? How long will it take for her to put her life back together in a way she thinks is acceptable? How long does she expect me to wait for her?

Because I will, sobbing nightly, but waiting for that one moment when I get that message. That one I love you, that one apology. That one.. something.

Just because in the waiting, I'm still with her, just a little bit longer. Even if it rips me apart, she's still mine for a little while.

I can't just let go. I can't drop it all. But can I live like this? I honestly don't know.

She'll be the one to make the final call, in the end. I won't, I can't.

So, Jen:

"Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.."

Ha.

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 07:33:05 GMT

..Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through.

Ha.

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 13:37:47 GMT

I told myself I was done. If she didn't want to speak to me, it was fine. Over. But there are people that you love that get into your skin and curl up inside you and you can't get rid of them like that.

I wish I could prove I love you.. But does that mean I have to walk on water?

Silly girl.

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 08:02:16 GMT

I was right. I knew it. She'd rip my heart out and spit on the remains. But hey, it was my fault, wasn't it? I left it open. I gave her the vantage.

I didn't pull away. I rationalized.

But that doesn't stop the hurt.

Why do I even fucking bother anymore?

lolwut.

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:18:04 GMT

lawl.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 15:38:59 GMT

Isn't nice when people make accounts just to flame you? So mature, really. Sure feels good to know you're worth enough for someone to go to such lengths.

Anyway. Enroute out. Lost a guildmate to a drunk driver, and my adopted brother apparently got into an accident himself.

Not that I can do anything for him. I don't even know where his daughter is.

Ow.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 07:18:42 GMT

Incisions are infected and gross. No amount of cleaning has kept it from happening. Weeee.

Oh god.

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 13:40:18 GMT

Surgery day.

And I'll be all alone. Oh god, oh god, oh god.

When it rains..

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 14:21:27 GMT

So Saturday morning, I wake up at 5AM in the most excruciating pain of my life. Literally. I flee for the restroom and vomit until nothing's coming out of me but stomach acid. For hours. I finally stop writhing in agony long enough to stagger up to my roommate and go: "Hospital. NOW."

Jessi, being who she is, immediately takes this as "I have time to finish two more levels in my game!"

But upon hearing me up-heaving my stomach contents again, finally comes down and puts on a shirt.. And promptly abandons me at the hospital without any way to contact her.

Well, I spend an hour curled up in a hospital bed, whimpering and trying not to spew along the walls. Finally, the nurse sets me up with an IV and then some amazing painkillers. I mean, she hadn't even finished the syringe into the IV and my vision went all fuzzy and my body felt light.

They give me another 'nomorepuking' shot through the IV, and I'm out cold. While I'm mostly unconscious, they do a CATscan and Ultra-sound.

Apparently, what I thought was just back-pain was a set of giant Gallstones.

So, Monday I get to call and set-up my surgery.

Fun stuff, huh? Hit by a car and having my gallbladder removed in the same six-month period.

More dumpage.

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 01:10:17 GMT

Torias and Jeneca.

Jeneca.

Kier and his undead pony, Veritas.

Old Man Kurzon.

"Don't look, baby, don't look.."

Karighan and her son, still unfinished.

Sketch Dumpage.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 13:17:38 GMT

Warning, Emo images included.

Jeneca stuff:

Birthday for Jen:

Art shitz.

Tue, 22 May 2007 22:40:34 GMT

Unnamed doodle of one of my friends D&D races, the Felarn.

Idea that wouldn't leave my head. Dominia and Kurzon.

Jenika, inspired by the song 'Silverflame', by Dizzy Mizz Lizzy.

Jenika and Torias.

On Relationships.

Mon, 21 May 2007 17:18:45 GMT

So an old friend and I started talking today, on relationships. Despite all my claims, I'm very much a romantic. And I let myself fall wholly into a relationship with someone. So much, that, as he put it: when things don't work out, you stand to lose much more than you should.

And that's been true for everything.

I think that's the source of my greatest apprehensions with Jen. I love her, but I'm terrified of losing more. What do I really have left, you know? Everyone else has taken that. My dog, my dignity, my sense of self-worth.

What's going to happen to me when she finally decides she's got someone else, or gets bored with me?

I'm insecure like that, I guess.

The Drag.

Sun, 20 May 2007 03:43:39 GMT

So, uh. I was hit by a car. Wee. Broken foot and ankle.

Anyway.

Baby Steps.

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 04:38:41 GMT

You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

I'm seriously falling in love with this woman. And I'm afraid it'll turn out like my previous relationship. I don't want that to happen, but when people hurt me like this, I tend to jerk away from them.
I didn't with her, but I was fucking terrified.

It was crushing. Every time, every time something negative has happened in my life: "I'm sorry." And always from someone I love or care bout.

I don't want your condolences, you know? I've had enough apologies in my life.
But I want this to work.

Come tomorrow, I'll probably forget all about this, and curl up in the curve of her body while she's sleeping, and come to terms with the fact that I love her, (while shooing my kitten away from her feet).

The fact I actually told her how I felt was a big step for me.

Vacation time!

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 08:37:38 GMT

So, my girlfriend and I are going on vacation.

Philly for a week, homes. I leave in an hour for the airport, actually.

In other news: my grandmother is in ICU.

Blood Elf Mania.

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 00:34:53 GMT

I knew, when I first saw the concept art of the race that I was going to fall in love with these magic-addicted bastards, but I never knew how hard.

Jen and I rolled up a pair on Venture Co., and I adore them. I play a Warlock, Jenika Nic'Essus, and she plays her bodyguard, a Blood Knight named Torias Evurayl. Jenika is a spoiled, pretentious little brat, and Torias is the smart-ass bastard brother of her betrothed. ( This is a fact she isn't entirely aware of yet. She expects an arranged marriage, however.. )

They are so much fun.

I drew Torias first, because he rocks.

Bad doodle of Jenika.

Lovingly entitled: "Oh, shit."

Unrelated to the belves, we have Kari-art:

Hm.

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 16:24:47 GMT

I am tired, yo'. So, there's going to be a lack of real entry here.

But, just out of curiosity, have any of you just taken the time to break down one of your favorite songs?

Come closer now
I know your desire is to be desired
Steal a kiss yet and call us friends
Distance is the thief in which you conspire

Turn and time and time will tell
Time will tell or tear us apart
You're miles and miles and miles away
Silence reveals where we really are

You only stand to break my heart
I can tell it by the way you runaway,
Runaway girl
You only stand to break my heart
I can tell it by the way you runaway,
Runaway, girl
Runaway, runaway, girl

It's clearer now
You're nowhere into giving
Giving into, giving into me
It's your fault
You're like a rare disease
I know you're in love
With love I believe

Turn and time and time will tell
Time will tell or tear us apart
You're miles and miles and miles away
Silence reveals where we really are

You only stand to break my heart
I can tell it by the way you runaway,
Runaway girl
You only stand to break my heart
I can tell it by the way you runaway,
Runaway, girl
Runaway, runaway, girl

Do you expect me to wait here?
(All alone in my thoughts and fears)
My whole life could flash before your eyes
(Hope one day that you realize)
This isn't the way it's supposed to be
(This is your life girl, now without me)
May regrets for us well up inside
(As feelings for you are buried alive)
Buried alive..

I only stand to break your heart
You can tell it by the way I walk away,
Runaway, girl
I only stand to break your heart
You can tell it by the way I run away,
Runaway, girl.

Analysis time. Go.

People Suck.

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 23:33:34 GMT

So yeah, John and I had a confrontation. Now, he isn't even speaking to me. Ignores all polite attempts, and is playing the most offensive music he can.

Wee.

Is it so wrong of me not to want to be someone's live-in fuck? I did that for two years, and the instant he could survive without my income, I was dumped on the curb.

1. Sara McLachlan
First song: "Possession."
Song that made you fall in love: "Sweet Surrender."
Current favorite: "Building a Mystery."

2. Anberlin
First song: "The Feel Good Drag."
Song that made you fall in love: "The Feel Good Drag."
Current favorite: "Audrey, Start The Revolution."

3. Jem
First song: "24."
Song that made you fall in love: "Falling For You."
Current favorite: "Come On Closer."

4. Muse
First song: "Time Is Running Out."
Song that made you fall in love: "Hysteria."
Current favorite: "Butterflies & Hurricanes."

5. A Perfect Circle
First song: "Judith."
Song that made you fall in love: "Magdalena."
Current favorite: "The Hollow."

6. Brand New.
First song: "Sic Transit Gloria Glory Fades."
Song that made you fall in love: "Jaws Theme Swimming."
Current favorite: "Degausser."

7. Kamelot.
First song: "Descent of the Archangel. "
Song that made you fall in love: "The Spell."
Current favorite: "Somewhere in Time."

8. The Killers
First song: "Somebody Told Me."
Song that made you fall in love: "Mr. Brightside."
Current favorite: "Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine."

9. Apocalyptica
First song: "The Path Vol 2."
Song that made you fall in love: "Pray."
Current favorite: "In Memoriam."

10. Nightwish
First song: "The End of All Hope."
Song that made you fall in love: "Phantom Of The Opera."
Current favorite: "Nemo."

Illyane Sirfalas, Druidess.

Joran Corvus, WIP.

Ellyse Eth'Rion, WIP.

Elly and Kurzon, work doodle.

Kari and Joran.

http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j194/Karighan/sketchpagerar.jpg

Help.

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 06:51:35 GMT

How do you tell someone to back the fuck off and grow up, without being so crude?

My roommate, John, tried to date me after a seriously bad break up. But all he ever wanted was tits and ass, and I'm not down with that. I told him to lay off, that I needed space. He did a little, but not much.

Now I'm in a serious relationship with Jen, and he's acting like a huge ass; moody and vicious and I just don't know what to say to him.

The Quiet Things.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 15:44:13 GMT

I fail. There is no other definition for it. Everything I set out to do or make turns to ash beneath my fingertips.

But, for once, I wasn't the culprit in the last emotional fiasco.

Blame me for the neglect, but you were the person that turned me away. When did all the 'I love you's stop? When did I just become a piece of flesh to warm the bed and your personal whore? Or worse, because at least whores get paid for their pains.

Thank you, for adding another ten years of baggage and stripping me entirely of my self-worth.

Ho shit!

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 23:49:51 GMT

Oh my god. Christopher Walken is running for president. Look!

New computer blues.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 01:40:32 GMT

So, I got a new PC. Custom built gaming/imaging rig. I love it to bits, but I swear the thing is possessed.

The shop gave me an optical mouse and keyboard set. Awesoming, right?

Well, even after setting it, the computer refused to acknowledge the damn thing. So, we take it back. They give us another. Woo-hoo! It works!

...And then, the cat spills my hot cup of coffee onto it. The optical mouse, at least, was still functioning.

The next day, my roommate brings me back a normal keyboard. It works dandy and seems safe so far.

Then-- last night-- my five year old 'nephew' knocks the mouse down. Now it no longer reads. So, at one AM, I drag my mate out and procur a plain mouse and call it a night.

I have dubbed this PC 'Bettina', for she is a fickle bitch.

Work is killing my spare-time. Time once spent for my recreational pursuits is now devoted to sleeping. I am saddened.

Meanwhile, I have rekindled an old love in Chobits--the one silly, girly anime I really enjoy. I found the whole series as a three-disk set and promptly snatched it.

And, I have dyed my bangs PINK.

Notes, and poetry.

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 20:14:17 GMT

So, everyone in the house is sick, today is Ray's birthday, World of Warcraft has devoured my soul, and I hate my job.

Huzzah.

I have decided I am going to make another little writing journal for Phaelan. ( Some day, I'll update Mara's. )
Now, however, I am going to assault you with a poem I wrote some time ago, at work:

Were I a lesser creature--
weaker of resolve,
uncertain in my convictions--
I would have surrendered;
Succumb to your barrage,
Bowed out of the circle
and back into line.

Tantamount to suicide,
my pilgrimage established.
Yet, I persist.
Lamenting only once--
For your affection;
And bear your judgement
While grinding teeth
against the bit of happenstance.

Counsel unheeded,
I will always step foward,
drawing into the safety
Of my mecca,
And pursue the horizon;
Continuing the never-ending
Quest for "Home."

End-tag: Anyone else excited about Dirge of Cerberus?

So, twenty Days later..

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 03:04:29 GMT

So, twenty days since my last post. Things have happened. Aidan is doing better, he's put on some weight.

He's adjusted brilliantly. Very well-trained, sweet-natured, and absolutely wonderful. I can't understand how anyone could have abused this boy. Anyway.

Ray and I, despite sleeping with one another over two months, went on our first date the night of Narnia's release. We wisely picked up our tickets early, and then went to the mall to wander about for a while.
It was miraculously well-timed, for they'd just dimmed all the lights and turned on the Christmas displays.

After that, we went to Panera to snag something to eat. Then, it was off to the movie!

This was just the first part of the line. It continued on outside and around the goddamn building. Since I wore a thin jacket, Ray held our place while I waited inside.
It was, however, worth the wait.. If only because it made Ray so damn happy.

And then, there was Christmas. Holidays are a bad time for me. Everyone goes and congregates with family. It just reminds me of my lack of one. I had a little breakdown Christmas eve, as I was trying to sleep. Ray held me through it. Even thought I was invited to his grandmother's place for the day, I turned it down, opting to stay home and watch bad movies and cuddle with my dog. Cody came over, we drank a little, and I stole his hairband, as usual.

I do the same thing to Ray <3!:

And, the day before yesterday, an old school friend/enemy came over. She's had it about as bad as I have. We made up, cuddled, and spent several hours talking. I hope to see her again soon.

Note: Oh yeah, Ray got in trouble with the police again. Huzzah.

Ground Rules: The first player of this "game" starts with the topic "Five Weird Habits of Yourself" and people who get tagged need to write an LJ entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five ( Four, in my case. ) people to be tagged and list their names.

1) I make unconscious kitty-noises. Like, a questioning mewl or a lower, unhappy rumble. There's no real reason for it, I just do. My roommates understand each one eerily well, too.

2) I have the ability to break out into song at random, often with anime-worthy hand gestures.

3) When my roommates are gone, or sleeping, I will pace the living room with my headphones on, occasionally pausing to air-guitar.

4) I refuse to watch certain movies alone--unless it is a "me" movie that I have some odd affinity for, Like Sin City, because I have my random moments of absolute fangirlism most people would find disturbing. Serenity, on the other hand, must be watched with people. In contrast, I will never play a game while anyone is conscious and in the room. I hate back-seat gamers, damn it.

5) I have full-blown conversations with my dog; often in a blend of baby-talk and normal speech. I have a bad habit of spoiling the pup. Hell, I even made my boyfriend move in the dead of the night to fit the mutt onto the bed.

I tag:

bob_carp_god, derelictseraph, nezumichris, skotlex.